Uh oh...what was I thinking...

So we've booked a wonderful trip to Hawaii at the end of April.   Its almost a dream vacation... I mean who doesn't want to spend 7 days and 6 nights on an absolutely beautiful island with all the amenities of the Western world.... We haven't taken a vacation since Cancun in 2007 and are absolutely excited to finally get away and re-energize ourselves.  We've decided that Michelle would go with us since without her, our family is incomplete and our trip would be incomplete...

But honestly the one thing that I did not think about is the fact that this means that I can't hide behind wonderful winter clothes when I'm there.  As much as I would LOVE to blame this all on baby weight - I'd be lying.  I only gained 16-18 lbs while pregnant and am back to my pre-preggo weight.  And then there were promises and wonderful stories of moms dropping amazing amount of weight just by breastfeed - obviously did not work for me.  I mean I still breastfeed and all that has happened is that I eat more since I am always hungry.  So back to my original question - what was I thinking? How the heck am I going to bare it all - or even comfortably wear a tank top and shorts when I feel like a hippo.  My BMI says that I am obese and the person I see in the mirror, I don't recognize.  My body is all out of proportion, my self esteem is out the window and well I don't have many cute/summer/vacation clothes that fit anymore.

I would love to have been one of those mommies who look like they've had plastic surgery just weeks after giving birth - sadly I am not.  I would've loved to have invested more time in myself and worked towards loosing some weight - sadly I did not.  So here I am, at this stage - sadly not comfortable with my own being.