There is a pretty famous quote that says that as one gets older, they get wiser... so since I am 26 years , 5 months and 20 days older; I must be wiser than I was at 20. After all, age = wisdom and I must have picked some up on my way up there.
But in honesty ... I think I like the 21 year old version of me a lot better... the one who was confident in everything she did, the one who had to shoot for the stars for everything the one who found a way to achieve everything, the one who couldn't be rattled by her surroundings and one who was never content in her circumstances and wanted to improve them every moment... one who kept her heart safe and only available to herself...
As I look back today... a lot has changed within myself...Sure I have a much better paying job than working at Burlington Coat Factory and sure I am much more accomplished in my education with my MBA but has all that made me happier? Today life seems to be passing by in my with to-do lists - both personal and professional. Today, I am more concerned about failing rather than winning. Today, I am more focused on 'What if?' rather than 'So What?'. Today, all the knowledge has made me aware of everything I have to loose rather than being able to focus on everything I can gain. Today, I am identified as a woman, a married woman, and a professional married woman but do most people in my life really know 'Sini'?
I am not so sure... I feel like I am living a secret life within my life ... one that I want so bad to exist but afraid to expose. I feel bound by responsibilities, appearances and need for acknowledgement.
I want to go back to being the 21 yr old who was only bound by her own desires. A woman who some might have only seen as a girl but one who was so full of self assurance that she didn’t need another to fill that void. I want to find a way to come out of this feeling of being cramped within myself and explore everything that I secretly want.
But, I am not sure that I am that 21 yr old anymore... I think I am too afraid to loose everything I have gained.... afraid of failing .... afraid of being rejected... afraid of being alone... afraid of being hurt.... As I sit here today... I can say that age has definitely given me wisdom over the years but it has also made me loose one of the greatest joys that I once cherished in life... a self identity that no one could take from me
