I must be wiser...

There is a pretty famous quote that says that as one gets older, they get wiser... so since I am 26 years , 5 months and 20 days older; I must be wiser than I was at 20. After all, age = wisdom and I must have picked some up on my way up there.

But in honesty ... I think I like the 21 year old version of me a lot better... the one who was confident in everything she did, the one who had to shoot for the stars for everything the one who found a way to achieve everything, the one who couldn't be rattled by her surroundings and one who was never content in her circumstances and wanted to improve them every moment... one who kept her heart safe and only available to herself...

As I look back today... a lot has changed within myself...Sure I have a much better paying job than working at Burlington Coat Factory and sure I am much more accomplished in my education with my MBA but has all that made me happier? Today life seems to be passing by in my with to-do lists - both personal and professional. Today, I am more concerned about failing rather than winning. Today, I am more focused on 'What if?' rather than 'So What?'. Today, all the knowledge has made me aware of everything I have to loose rather than being able to focus on everything I can gain. Today, I am identified as a woman, a married woman, and a professional married woman but do most people in my life really know 'Sini'?

I am not so sure... I feel like I am living a secret life within my life ... one that I want so bad to exist but afraid to expose. I feel bound by responsibilities, appearances and need for acknowledgement.

I want to go back to being the 21 yr old who was only bound by her own desires. A woman who some might have only seen as a girl but one who was so full of self assurance that she didn’t need another to fill that void. I want to find a way to come out of this feeling of being cramped within myself and explore everything that I secretly want.

But, I am not sure that I am that 21 yr old anymore... I think I am too afraid to loose everything I have gained.... afraid of failing .... afraid of being rejected... afraid of being alone... afraid of being hurt.... As I sit here today... I can say that age has definitely given me wisdom over the years but it has also made me loose one of the greatest joys that I once cherished in life... a self identity that no one could take from me

Could this be possibly true?

As I realized that something was amiss
I tried to remember when it hit
A sunken feeling hit my stomach as I thought
Could this possibly be true?

As more days passed,
The world started to twirl
And even though life had to go on
My heart was at a standstill as I though
Could this possibly be true?

I closed my eyes and decided
To let life have it way with me
As I prayed for strength
To walk the path paved for me
By taking baby steps, one at a time

My brain was confused
But my heart fluttered
What is this I feel?
Is it fear or is it joy?
Or maybe it’s both filling me
As I embark on this unknown path

Sunrise, Sundown
Changing seasons
Each required and inevitable
My dreams and desires
All beyond my reach

My desire to fulfill a dream
Fill our hearts with joy and screams
Could soon be true
And if it is possibly true today
I can’t imagine anything else I’d want
To take over life, one day at a time

As a matter of fact....

"You look like a homeless person..." said my husband as I walked up the escalator with him at the mall... now most people would be upset if their significant other said something like this ... but honestly ... it caught me off gaurd and as I checked myself out in a store front window; I realized that he infact was correct in his assessment. I did look homeless, unshowered and simple put a bum... but most people who know me, know that I am not a big fan of getting dressed or made up to go anywhere. On that day, I was meeting up with my husband at the mall directly from the gym... I had an old t-shirt on and my hair clearly needed some tlc... but I really couldn't care less about how people perceived me at that moment...

In all honesty...I have often felt the judging eyes that gauge me up as I walk into a posh store ... they are trying to figure out if I belong there or maybe thinking that I am there to shoplift? But either way ...that never bothered me... I have often said... I know who I am and what I am comfortable with... I never smell and I almost never leave the house with a perfect 'face' on ... I do get dressed up when I feel the need to or when the occasion calls for...well in all honesty I only get dressed up when I think necessary and not when the occasion dictates it...

All this has gotten me thinking of all the times I have judged a person solely based on their looks... the way they are dressed or genetically predisposed to certain characteristics...If they have too much makeup on ...I automatically decide that they are high maintenance ... or if a skinny woman is working out a lot at the gym...she must have a eating disorder.... It just makes sense... to me ...an automatic reaction... to pass judgement on people who I have no relation to or knowledge about...so are all humans wired to pass judgement? The bible says not to judge others ... one of the most famous quotes is "People living in glass houses shouldn't throw stones at others"... Yet it is so hard to break this habit...

I think I am going to make a concerted effort to keep an open mind and be accepting of all around me...until I come across some really skinny girl decides to sweat herself to a twig...

Maybe it will make me stronger...

'Strength' can be defined in many ways.... but in the end each person has their own perception of what it means to get strong... Who is stronger - a person who can 'bench' 200 lbs w/o a problem or a child who at the age of four has had two courses of chemotherapy.... while each is a definition of strenght... makes me wonder which one really matters?

To me personally being strong means being able to endure what life has decide to put in my path... I want to be emotionally and mentally strong more than physically.... One can achieve anything in life with a STRONG will.... but often it is hard to distinguish between strength and weakness.... lets say a woman is trapped in abusive relationship for the sake of her children... Is she a strong person for enduring years of abuse in a hope of happier times for her children? or is she so weak that she does not think that she is able to fight past the life she is stuck in... I honestly don't know the answer... to an outsider it is easy to say that she is weak to stay in that relationship but what if it took all her strength to stay there because she knew that it was the best thing for her children...

What about a father who has to choose between the well being of his unborn child and his wife...or a parent who has to choose between the lives of two children.... I think it takes unaccountable amount of strenght to make that decision and then have to live with it forever...or a child who has lost a parent and needs to grow up feeling the void or a parent who has lost a child... how do you measure their strenght? All those situations, I cannot even imagine being faced with... will I have the strenght to make the best decision? I have always considered myself to be a strong woman but just thinking about all the times my strenght could be tested makes me feel weak... I am sure when and if I have to face any such situation... I will find a way to find the strenght that I need... but what if I fail?

It's said that it takes a stronger person to forgive.... So in that instance I am very weak... I don't hold grudges but I choose to forget rather than forgive... but maybe I can start working on that and pray that I may never have to face anything that requires more strength than I can handle...

If you ask me.....

So just having paid our second mortgage payment, I started to think if I would go through a home building process again... the answer is - Not for another 10 years.... Honestly I dont think I have the energy required.....

So back in May 2007, Sibi & I decided to buy our very first home somewhere in the Triangle area in NC.... so as we started searching, we saw older homes, newer homes and older homes that might as well be new homes with all the upgrades that we done.... We liked some but mostly there were one or two things that just wouldnt sit right with us... so we thought that maybe building a brand new house was the way to go... so we look around for the best builders in the area with the floor plans we liked.... and it was not long before we found a builder that had a great floor plan and was considered to be reputable in the area... the winner was Shea Homes at Brightleaf in the Park. We drove around the various neighborhoods they had built, looked at options and asked a LOT of questions... and after signed off on the contract to build our very first home, I thought ' Wow, that was easy. Now all I have to do is wait for the house to be done'. Little did I know what was to come....

Soon we found that it was not going to be a easy process - unless the customer keeps a tab on everything, the builder will find a way to mess things up and obviously not tell you about it.

The 'design rep' we met for consultation was of very little help to us and only gave us information based on specific questions... so if you did not ask the right questions, you were left in the dark. As we proceeded through the building process, we realized one by one all the options that were never presented to us.... After numerous requests to grade the lot lower to have a less steep driveway - today we can barely park our car on it..... I guess its good that we upgraded to the extended garage..... Everyday we would come by the house to find something or other that was not done right or find a shortcut they took that was not really effective... After misrepresentation from their rep on the type of windows we were going to get, we ended up paying for the upgrade and the old windows....and the final kicker is that it took them 6 to 7 tries before correct window was ordered and when it did arrive, it still failed to match what was promised! It baffled us how simple quality control steps were missed by them and how long it took to correct something that was wrong. Every day was a new challange.... something as small as the wrong door hardware being installed to why they had framed three windows in a row at different heights.... it seemed that we would need to overlook everything!

And we did, we were on their case about everything but what really annoyed us was the fact that they had no sense or understanding of communication or customer satisfaction. Their goal was to get in and out and done with the house as soon as possible. We would email them with issues and concerns and would not hear back from them with resolution.... it would be upon us to follow through.... Another thing that really took us back was the discriminatory treatment we got as a young Indian couple going through this process.... multiple times we were questioned to ensure that we would go through with the house and often discouraged from making design changes in order to ensure that Shea would be able to flip the house if our finances fell through... And while we did not make a big deal of this treatment, to be honest maybe we should have.... it seems that Shea believes that their positive treatment towards a certain set of customers is all that they need to sell homes.. Obviously it is not working since they have only sold and completed five homes thus far....

I am to this day wondering, when will the builder realize the importance of 'happy customers'? There is complete disregard not only in the standard of quality delivered in the final product but also in customer satisfaction. Their reps have been deceiving by withholding information, rude in the way they handle customers and finally their project management process has been proven to be completely incompetent with all the mistakes that took place. If someone were to ask me if I was happy with the house we live in, my answer would be yes but I would have to add that we are happy becuase of the time and effort that my husband and I put into ensuring the quality of every little thing and not because Shea did an excellent job building our house. But I can firmly say today that I will not be building another Shea home.

So finally, back to the original question - will I build another home? The answer is YES but it would be by us hiring a contractor and managing the overall process ourselves.

Another day...

As the days drew closer, I started to wonder if this year was going to be any different... I was in fact going past the first quarter of my life and into the second.... but as I sit here today and look back...nothing seems different; the first 26 years of my life seem as if they all happened in one day.... i remember instances from when i was 2 and from when i was 12..... but on most days i cant remember things i did just hours ago...

But the truth is so much has changed, I am no longer a little girl who can hide behind her mom's sari when scared but instead I am woman who is expected to fight my own battles....I am wife who is expected to love and be always by her husband's side... I am daughter who worries about her parents since she can't be with them...I am sister who is no longer just an annoying little brat who follows her older sister around (well maybe) but can also be a pillar of support when needed.... I am an aunt (and godmother) to two wonder kids who bring a smile to my face every time I think about them.... I am a woman who many expect (and hope) to see become a mother soon.... I am a friend who believes that true friendship is stronger than family and I am a human being who knows that God has a plan for everyone....

As this day passes I realize that even though everything seems unchanged, so much has changed.... Along with my age thankfully I have grown.... I am still stubborn, opinionated, loving, annoying etc. but the one thing that really hasn't changed is that God has always blessed me with people in my life love and lead me in a path that was truly meant for me....

Thank you for being in my life and being there when i have needed you the most....