I guess I should be careful what I ask for...

So in my last post I was griping about all the weight that I need to loose in order to reach the ideal image I have in mind before our vacation in 8 wks.... so I guess my wish was granted that weekend.  No I didn't loose the 30 some lbs that I need to loose but I did end up with food poisoning. 

Haven't been able to keep any food down since Sunday morning.  Everything is leaving my body - one way or other... fun times.  On the upside - I did loose ~ 4 lbs in one day... woo hoo...a this rate, I'll reach my ideal weight in a week...

Ah - back to my Gatorade....

Uh oh...what was I thinking...

So we've booked a wonderful trip to Hawaii at the end of April.   Its almost a dream vacation... I mean who doesn't want to spend 7 days and 6 nights on an absolutely beautiful island with all the amenities of the Western world.... We haven't taken a vacation since Cancun in 2007 and are absolutely excited to finally get away and re-energize ourselves.  We've decided that Michelle would go with us since without her, our family is incomplete and our trip would be incomplete...

But honestly the one thing that I did not think about is the fact that this means that I can't hide behind wonderful winter clothes when I'm there.  As much as I would LOVE to blame this all on baby weight - I'd be lying.  I only gained 16-18 lbs while pregnant and am back to my pre-preggo weight.  And then there were promises and wonderful stories of moms dropping amazing amount of weight just by breastfeed - obviously did not work for me.  I mean I still breastfeed and all that has happened is that I eat more since I am always hungry.  So back to my original question - what was I thinking? How the heck am I going to bare it all - or even comfortably wear a tank top and shorts when I feel like a hippo.  My BMI says that I am obese and the person I see in the mirror, I don't recognize.  My body is all out of proportion, my self esteem is out the window and well I don't have many cute/summer/vacation clothes that fit anymore.

I would love to have been one of those mommies who look like they've had plastic surgery just weeks after giving birth - sadly I am not.  I would've loved to have invested more time in myself and worked towards loosing some weight - sadly I did not.  So here I am, at this stage - sadly not comfortable with my own being.

Just wanted to share a recent picture of my little monkey... she is def a handful but the absolute joy in our life!

Ignorance is bliss ... well not always

Forgive me as I get on my soapbox for a bit... and I apologize in advance if I offend someone... these are just my thoughts....

Doctors work really hard to get their degree's and license... I mean its a specialty and they are subject matter experts on medicine and take a oath to do whats in best for their patients.  But does anyone else feel like they act like 'know it all's'?

 As a woman, the most remarkable memory in my short lived life is Michelle's birth.  It's the payoff moment for carrying her in-utero for 9 months.  It was the moment that I was anxiously waiting for since the day I got pregnant.  I was very blessed to have a pretty easy labor - long-ish but leaps and bounds better than my worst what-ifs.  I felt close to no contractions until after my water broke around midnight. And Michelle was born within 9 hrs of me reaching the hospital.  I got to the hospital and was already 6 cms dilated and I chose to get the epidural around the halfway point.  The pushing was hard but if you ask me today - I don't remember much of it.  The ob/gyn practice that I happen to choose turned out to be a great practice.  They are patient centric and never at any point did I feel like there was a lack of care.

But recently I have been hearing horror stories about birth stories - and while they might not seem that bad, to me they just seemed like bad decisions on the part of the doctors for their patients.  There is also the patient them self - some level of ignorance.  Every time I meet a pregnant person, I tell them to know their rights.  Know what you want.  Do your research.  Understand the process of birth.  Know and understand what you're body will be going through.  I mean, we hate have unnecessary service done on our cars, then why do we allow doctors to perform unnecessary procedures on us?  We are the customer - and while the Drs. do have the knowledge to take care of us - don't be afraid to ask questions.  Initiate conversations, get justifications, go in educated.

Knowledge is power and we can leverage that power until we know how to use it.

That's all for my soap box for today...

How to avoid a C-Section
5 Ways to Avoid a Cesarean Section
Five ways to avoid a C-section (CNN)
How to Avoid an Unnecessary Cesarean
Aha Parenting

Benefits of Breastfeeding
Woman's Health Org
Benefits of Breastfeeding

Great Breastfeeding Resource
Kelly Mom

Shouldn't she focus on sleeping?

Things she does in her sleep....

1. Michelle has always pooped in her sleep... yes that's usually the only time she poops... its an amazing trick...
2. Last night - she pulled up to a standing position for the first time... albeit, she did it in her crib.   We have been saying for weeks that we need to 'drop' her crib but never got around to it.  It was quickly dropped last night after our 'I-am-frightened-out-of-my-mind-I-don't-know-how-to-get-down' look Michelle had when got into her room to check on her for crying.
3. Then at 3 am - there was more crying... why? Because she had managed to get into a sitting position in her sleep.  Again - never done it before when she was awake...
4. This morning at 7:30 am, I heard her talking.  When I went in closer to 8 am to get her up and ready for the day, what do I find? Like a typical teenager, she was on her back, with her feet up (over the bumper), sticking out through the crib slats... just chilling and talking - all she needed was a cell phone and it would've been a look into future, probl 10 yrs from now...

I see a lot of sleepless nights in our future - as she goes through these 'new milestones' phases... I guess, it was good while it lasted... sleep that is...

Separation Anxiety....

So most infants go through separation anxiety somewhere between 6-12 months... they usually grow out of it after a year ... so I am wondering if parents 'eventually' grow out of it too?

I never considered myself as the 'attachment' parenting type... I never 'wore' my baby, we never co-slept... actually I was pretty determined to teach Michelle to sleep on her early and moved her to her crib in a room down the hallway at 3 weeks old.  It seems insane but it's worked out great for us.  I am able to put her down on the floor to play and walk away as she complains.  I have often thought that there was something wrong with me that I wasn't more 'attached' to her.

The reason I bring all this up is because its my birthday on Friday (oh how fast time passes) .... and Sibi and I have been talking about what we can do to celebrate.  Last night, we decided that we'll just stay in, order out, pick up a movie and relax... As I type this, I realize how 'old' I sound... but I am completely fine with that! I share my birthday with a neighbor (same date & year) and she sent me an email asking we were interested in going out to get dinner after 8 pm... and while I'd like that - I humbly declined since Michelle would be a mess ... ofcourse she couldn't understand why I didn't get get a babysitter.  Hmm... what a novel idea - have someone else watch her while we get a nice, peaceful meal in.  I mean, she goes to daycare 5 days a wk...so why not?

For some reason, this just doesn't sit well with me... I can't imagine getting a babysitter... I am not sure why.  Maybe it's because I want to spend as much time as I can with her.... since we are separated mostly during the week... maybe I want to celebrate my birthday with her... she does define part of my identity now... maybe I don't think its fair that we go out and celebrate w/o her...feels like we are abandoning her.

We have taken Michelle out with us everywhere we went.  If it wasn't a child friendly place, then we didn't go.  She's great at restaurants and loves being out... we are blessed with a relatively low-key baby. 

I guess as first time parents - we don't have the heart to leave her with anyone ...outside of requirements (i.e. I need to work) and probably won't ever take a vacation w/o her .... or at least, as of right now...it doesn't seem like we will...

Maybe we will eventually 'grow' out of this separation anxiety in time ...or maybe we'll be forced to when she wants to go away on a class trip, sleepover with friend... etc... but I am sure, the thought will bring as much anxiety to me then , as it is now...

I am one lucky mama....

 I think we all go through moments, days, phases in our lives when we question everything that we are going through... I personally have had times when I thought that life couldn't get worse... or that life is just not fair...

But since Michelle has come into my life... I have started to cherish each moment with her... count each blessing... In the past couple weeks, I have had the opportunity to really appreciate the little things that I could've never realize...

For example - watching the thousands of children in Haiti having to fight, cry and beg for food, made me realize that I don't really know what Michelle's cry for hunger sounds like.  Thats mainly because we blessed enough that she's never had to cry for food.  Michelle cries everytime either my husband or I walk out of the room... thats because she's scared of loosing us... she can't bear to be without us... yet seeing those children from Haiti brought tears to my eyes... thinking of what if it was Michelle who was crying for us because she had lost us for ever... and maybe that is God's plan but I am comforted by the fact that there are so many individuals around me who will love her and take care of her... 

I can keep going for pages about everything that I have been blessed with ... my family, my husband, my friends, my job, my health, my house.....

As I close it post... I keep thinking about how lucky I am ... and ofcourse thanking God for making me one....